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Mar. 28th, 2019 09:21 pmSo....
Overtime continues. We have five hours of it next week. Five hours this week. Well, seven hours this week, because like an idiot, I signed up for two extra hours this week.
And Saturday, AJ and I along with Sage and Dante are going to the zoo. Then, on Sunday, I'm going to pack some and maybe make bread.
However, on the interesting news front: I started taking a new med last week? Already lost ten pounds. Why? Because another med was causing me to retain water. Ten pounds of water weight in a week. I'm sorta stunned, but also, kinda happy. It wasn't my imagination, I was actually gaining a lot of weight. And all of it was water. My feet are no longer puffy, my ankles are thinning out. Next step, the gym.
Here's the thing, though. I'm going to be joining a gym near my work. My plan is, work out in the morning, shower, go to work. But I'm very, very concerned about actually doing it. If I get into a habit, I'll go and the morning is the best time for me to go to the gym. But. I'm fat, and not in good headspace. I know people stare at me. I know they think that I don't have the right to be there. I know these things. And it's really hard for me to look at them and just say 'screw it' and do the thing anyway. I can't. I need outside validation. For my writing, for my knitting, for my workout.
I know this about myself. I do. I just wonder... what would it be like to not give a fuck? What would it be like to not care? But I can't do it.
Like, I'm stalled on my writing right now, because there's no outside validation, no audience to tell me to keep going. And that's dumb but I really need that. I know this about myself and try to gather readers that will help me keep up the momentum.
But back to the workout thing. I'm hoping that going to Planet Fitness? Will change it so that I want to go? I know that spending the money, even if it is only about $20 a month, will make me feel guilty if I don't go. So, really, I'll force myself to go, and not like it, but will go and get my money's worth, at least.
I'm really considering not doing it, but I know that's the anxiety/terror talking. I need to do this. I want to fit into clothes that I don't have to buy in the "Plus size" area and then still not be able to find things I like. I want to get down to a size that isn't so big that I can't wash more than three pairs of jeans at a time. I just... don't want to be as fat. I mean, would I love to get back down to what I was before my kids were born? Yes. Do I think that I'll do it? No. But getting down smaller would be nice.
I'm a mess and cannot do therapy. Ugh.
Overtime continues. We have five hours of it next week. Five hours this week. Well, seven hours this week, because like an idiot, I signed up for two extra hours this week.
And Saturday, AJ and I along with Sage and Dante are going to the zoo. Then, on Sunday, I'm going to pack some and maybe make bread.
However, on the interesting news front: I started taking a new med last week? Already lost ten pounds. Why? Because another med was causing me to retain water. Ten pounds of water weight in a week. I'm sorta stunned, but also, kinda happy. It wasn't my imagination, I was actually gaining a lot of weight. And all of it was water. My feet are no longer puffy, my ankles are thinning out. Next step, the gym.
Here's the thing, though. I'm going to be joining a gym near my work. My plan is, work out in the morning, shower, go to work. But I'm very, very concerned about actually doing it. If I get into a habit, I'll go and the morning is the best time for me to go to the gym. But. I'm fat, and not in good headspace. I know people stare at me. I know they think that I don't have the right to be there. I know these things. And it's really hard for me to look at them and just say 'screw it' and do the thing anyway. I can't. I need outside validation. For my writing, for my knitting, for my workout.
I know this about myself. I do. I just wonder... what would it be like to not give a fuck? What would it be like to not care? But I can't do it.
Like, I'm stalled on my writing right now, because there's no outside validation, no audience to tell me to keep going. And that's dumb but I really need that. I know this about myself and try to gather readers that will help me keep up the momentum.
But back to the workout thing. I'm hoping that going to Planet Fitness? Will change it so that I want to go? I know that spending the money, even if it is only about $20 a month, will make me feel guilty if I don't go. So, really, I'll force myself to go, and not like it, but will go and get my money's worth, at least.
I'm really considering not doing it, but I know that's the anxiety/terror talking. I need to do this. I want to fit into clothes that I don't have to buy in the "Plus size" area and then still not be able to find things I like. I want to get down to a size that isn't so big that I can't wash more than three pairs of jeans at a time. I just... don't want to be as fat. I mean, would I love to get back down to what I was before my kids were born? Yes. Do I think that I'll do it? No. But getting down smaller would be nice.
I'm a mess and cannot do therapy. Ugh.