I've been applying everywhere again and still getting nothing. I have a job interview next week and a job interview the end of September.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, or what I'm not doing, or what, but I cannot find a position.

It's frustrating, and demoralizing. I've been losing things left and right. My writing is gone. Dunno where, but it's gone. My job hunt is going nowhere. Therapy is just flattening me for the week, and that means no RP, no writing, no nothing.

And it's not that I don't want these things. I do! But I don't have them anymore, because doing bad things to fictional people is wrong when I'm trying to get my own shit straight.

Honestly, I'm kinda "AAAAAAAAAAH" about everything.

Tomorrow is Monday. I'm going to try to get things done, then and we'll see what happens.

So, the estate is almost over. I have one last check to deposit, and that'll be the end of it. Without attorney's fees, I would receive somewhere around $60,000. That is not a mistake.

So, time to look at things that I need:
( list )
SIGH. Then, we save the rest for true emergencies. Or a house, whichever comes first. I was going to get a car, but I think I'm going to wait until I have a job.

I've gone back to therapy. My therapist isn't a bad therapist, and understands some internet memes, and gets that I'm pretty much always online, so that's good. She asks intelligent questions and today we delved into high school.

Well, my high school was not fun. We got into the fact that my identity forming years were spent alone, isolated and when I did reach out, it was transactional, and not in my favor, and it had horrific consequences.

So; there are reasons I am the way I am, and that it's understandable that I'm that way, and that there's not a single adult in my life that did not fail me.



SO! That's what I did today.

Writing

I haven't mentioned it in therapy yet, but the therapy is kinda killing my writing groove. I'm still trying, but it's just not there. Not right now. I'm coming to think this is okay, that processing trauma is probably more important right now.

I'm still attempting to edit (going to work on Steampunk when this entry is done) and get my three stories done before October. Then, rewrite one in October, November, December.

I sent out a story, but it got rejected. Once one of my stories is done being edited, I will work on editing that one, and maybe farming it out again. It wasn't a personal rejection which is good. The personal ones are harder for me to take. (I'm odd, I know)

Maybe I'll see about farming out a couple of flash pieces that I've done. They need edited and reworked. But I can probably do that next week, then start seeing about farming them out somewhere. See; I'm starting to get okay with rejections. At least I'm trying.

The next week:

It's a busy week.

Sunday: Writers group
Monday: Doctor appt about MRI/Xrays, library, grocery shopping
Tuesday: Knit at local yarn store
Wednesday: Virtual interview with Providence, for a document manager position.
Friday: Therapy again

Now, keep in mind that's just what is on the schedule now. It's going to change. I know that, and there's nothing I can do to change it.

Hope all of you are well.

I hate to say this, or even think it, but something has happened today that has made it fucking clear, we have too many cats.

See; we have rent covered, just we have no money for cat food, cat litter or food for the humans.

But if we don't get money before tomorrow, we will be completely out.

I don't know what to do.

Between cat food, cat litter, and household food, we need $150-200.

And no one has it.

Fuck my life.

So, my writing life looks like this pretty much every week:

- Edit one scene Narissia
- Edit one scene Boybands
- Edit one scene Steampunk
- Write one scene werewolves
- Write one scene not werewolves

That's it. I don't get more specific than that, because I don't want to lock in my brain on what it has to write, so that I can write. Weird, but there ya go.

The editing is going. Steampunk and Narissia, at least, are getting close to being done. Then, rewriting will occur. I think I have like 10 more scenes on Steampunk and about that on Narissia. Considering all three of these things were NaNos, the fact that I'm going back and editing is something, I guess?

I do like editing them, because it reminds me that I'm not that bad a writer. I need to edit, I'm not that full of myself, but I can write.

I also have two shorties (like, less than 1000 words) that need edited, rewritten and expanded upon. I plan on working on those once Steampunk/Narissia are done. I like the reworking process, but right now, I'm taking a deep breath and working on getting some longer things written and worked on.

So that's writing/editing.

In the RL thing....

Well, still no job. Still no hope. Still nothing. I'm still applying just about anywhere/everywhere I can. The problem I'm running into is the lack of vehicle. I have no car, and several jobs require a car to do the job. I don't understand why, but there ya go.

The estate is on hold, and needs to be handled, but can't be until DFAS (Military accounting) sends my uncle's final pay and I can add it to the money and distribute. Right now it sits at something like $250k. I'm just "AAAAAHHHHH" about it.

Other than that, I am not doing well. I keep that, mostly, to myself, because no one needs burdens with all the shit going on in my brain. I'm so tired.

Oh, and Thursday is my 47th birthday. Woo? I'm asking peeps if they want to get me anything to pick from these two Amazon lists.

The first is stuff the second is Kindle books. Pretty cheap, so... ya know? I mean, no one has to, but just putting it out there.

So yeah, that's it from here.

I... want to go back to school, again. I want to go back and get my MFA. I want to do things that I've dreamed of, and are just... not within reach.

Without a job, I just can't justify going back to school, even part time. Maybe if I get the one I'm interviewing for on Wednesday, I can go back, but I'm not holding my breath.

I want to go back to school. I want my MFA.

I'm just worried about the money.

But looking at Tiffin and ASU, they both have online programs, and I just... I need to do this? Like, does that make sense?

I just can't justify going back to school for a while. I want to. But money is a thing? Like, if I don't get this job, our phones might be shut off. And that's an issue. I need my phone to get a job. This is getting ridiculous.

Our money is in desperate need of an influx of cash. And yes, I know that it's my fault. I shouldn't have lost my job. But I can't fix that without another job. I plan on applying more and more if I don't get that job next week.

I'm so tired of being at home. I want to go out. I want to be worth something.

But I'm not worth anything, if I have no job. Because I'm not bringing in money, I'm not worthy of anything. I can't go shopping. I can't, really, go out and do anything.

I'm so tired....

See; I never leave the house anymore. Why? Because I have no job, and Sam has to drive me and it's just a pain in the ass. I don't want to drag Sam everywhere and sometimes you wanna be away from the people you live with. (Or maybe that's just me)

Plus, I'm tired of seeing the inside of my room, because there's no where else to go in the house that I can be in with my movies/computer.

So; I'm trapped.

Never mind that we don't have the money to go anywhere, because gas is stupid expensive, and I'm in the hole to the bank. So, we're stuck.

Plus, rent is due soon, and I'm not sure we're going to have the money for it, or other bills, or anything else. And then, there's the fact that... I don't know when/if I'm going to get another job. I know it'll probably happen eventually. But... I really don't know.

It's so frustrating to know that I can do a job and not even be called for an interview.

I'm just tired. Maybe I should take a nap.

- Scotty had an abscessed anal gland. Meaning to the e-vet we went, and then today we took him to the regular vet to get his stitches out. He's still in the cone of shame, because the vet wants him in it until Wednesday. He's big mad because when he came home, we stuck him in the bath to clean him up some from the vet/the past two weeks.

- Foot is still broken. They don't know what's going on yet, but I'm in the boot for another month, and then, we'll see. Not sure what the fuck is going there.

- My bed broke and I'm pissy about it.

But, ya know.

Whatever.

So, let's see how many ways is your attention being pulled today? Kids? Family? Friends? Housework? Work-work? What about just relaxing into your favorite media?

No doubt you're staring at that list and adding your own little bits to it. Maybe there's a challenge that you want to participate in, which means finding time to write. That means you've got to carve out moments of time where you can write.

So, think about it. Where can you find five minutes to write? It seems almost impossible in today's hustle and bustle world, doesn't it? Well, you can do it. Whether it be every day, or not depends on you. Let me give you an example from my own schedule (from when I was working):

Monday through Friday:

600: Up, shower, get dressed, meds, feed cat, get brother out of bed.
644: Bus downtown
705: Arrive at work
710: Start writing
8-12: Work
12-1: Lunch/writing
1-430: Work
450: Bus home
510: Walk home from bus
530: Settle in after work

I generally didn't write after work, since there's all the problems of taking care of a house that come about. But I did have almost two hours of writing time that are in the day. Now, I'm very privileged in that I had a full hour for lunch, and a bluetooth keyboard and tablet to write on. I recognize that I don't have to drag my laptop about, so that cuts down on pain in the ass-ness. The weekends are a bit more hit or miss, so I generally just count them as "bonus time" so that I don't have to think about "Oh god, when will I write?!" And that's a relief, really. It takes the pressure off some.

So, here's my challenge to you: Find those little nuggets of time. Look for them. Perhaps you can scratch out a scene sketch in downtime at work. Perhaps, you only have 30 minutes for lunch that's a couple hundred words, if you work at it.

Now, to find the nuggets of time, here's what I suggest you do. Write down your schedule. Be as specific as you can at first, to really showcase where you're losing time. And I say "Losing" but it's time that you could be writing! I have a friend who swears by writing on her phone while on the bus. She has thumbs of lightning! I can't do that, but she gets a lot of work done that way. Which, hey, is the point.

But it is possible to find time to work, even if you work two jobs. Again, write down your schedule. You know where you're supposed to be and when. Write it down and look at it. Say, "okay, I have five minutes here, ten there. What can I combine or cut out to get fifteen of writing time?" It's a challenge, but your writing and your stress levels will thank you. And I understand an hour lunch is not standard and am eternally grateful for that time. (I think it should be standard, but that's another rant somewhere else) And I understand my "must haves" are probably very different to yours.

It is those must haves that you really need to look at. It's time to prioritize your writing. And in order to do that, you need to know where your time is going. So you have your schedule, rough or pretty, in front of you. Where is your writing time? Before work? Before school? Before everyone else in the house wakes up and demands things from you? What about lunch? Or naptime? (I used to furiously pound out words during naptime.) Where you find time is up to you. Just make sure you do.

So one thing we all share is not just the want to write, but the trepidation that happens when we stare at the blank page with its blinking cursor or its blank line. We see it and sometimes, something within us freezes and we stare at it. Nothing happens, until we unclench, thaw out and let the words flow.

Easy to say, not so easy to do right?

Well, here’s what you have to do: Trust yourself. That’s right, put trust in your mind and in your creativity, and let the words flow.

Okay, now that I’ve told you everything you already know (and you’re rolling your eyes), let me tell you a few things you might need to hear, or haven’t heard yet.

Here we go:

Trust is hard. (not groundbreaking, I know.) Trust in yourself? People make a living telling people they can trust themselves. They are usually wonderful people (I stan a good counselor). But I’m here to tell you that trust in yourself, in your words, is invaluable, and you can do it.

Trust your subconscious. Let it have free reign over your fingers to tell the story that’s within you. Sure, you have an outline and thoughts, but your subconscious, that part of you that, yes, houses that inner editor, knows what it’s doing. You just need to let go of your stranglehold on it. (Keep that damned inner editor locked in its cage, though. It hasn’t earned the right to be let loose.) But that part of you, where the dreams come from, and the thoughts begin to percolate? Let it off its leash.

See; that unicorn that shits rainbowsideas needs a chance to poke at the keyboard or at the blank page. Sure, it’s a horse with a sharp horn on its head, but look at those hooves. Those hooves are ready to write. And they are ready to write for you.

But you need to trust that unicorn. Trust that one-horned horse to know where the story is going. I’m a pantser, but even if you’re a planner, let the horse at the plan and trust it to follow the plan. Think of it as a lunge line. You’re letting it go out there, but you’ve still got a hand on it, and can still rein it if it gets too far out there. That’s where the trust comes in. Sure, you could release the lunge line and keep it in line, with a trailing rope, but I don’t think you’re quite to that point. Baby steps, okay?

So, now we’ve got the unicorn on a lunge line. (And why this is all equine metaphor, I have no idea, but it is and I’m rolling with it.) We’re keeping a steady hand on the lunge line, letting the unicorn go. Sometimes it trots, sometimes it canters. And sometimes it bucks and bam, new thought process on the current WIP. It’s okay. We’re trusting the unicorn, remember? The unicorn is being trusted not to skewer us with that razor sharp horn. It’s just doing its nice, controlled circles around us, letting us get on with the business of writing down the words.

But, if your hand is too hard on the line, or you pull too hard, that unicorn is going to throw some wrench into the works, or worse come up lame. That’s why you have to be gentle. You have to be careful. The unicorn is a persnickety animal and will throw a shoe the minute you believe you’ve got complete control and this is not a mythical animal who might just run you through.

So, we have a good hand on the line, and we’re letting the unicorn do its thing. And the unicorn is going steadily. But what happens if you put a pole on the ground? Now what? Again, we’re going to put our faith in that unicorn to bound right over that pole. To pick up its feet and keep going. Now that pole can be any number of things: real life (sucks), work (doubly sucks), emergency (sucks to the nth degree). But see, we have to trust that when we get back to the writing, the unicorn is still going to be on the end of that line. We just have to pick it up again.

Now, as I stated before: The unicorn is a persnickety beast. So, sometimes, you’re going to have to go into the back paddock and chase it down, while it runs ahead and laughs at you. (Real horses do this; I fully believe a mythical one would as well, probably more than a real one.) But, if you have patience and give yourself a little grace, you can get that halter back on that horse and get back to the very serious job of working the lunge line (aka writing).

Again, you have to believe that the unicorn is going to be there. You have to trust that when you want it, the unicorn will step up, ready to work. But you also have to take care of it. This is a mutual relationship. The way you take care of the unicorn? Clean its hooves (focus yourself), curry combing (hiding that inner editor away), and feed it. What would it eat? Yummy, yummy research, or media, of all stripes. Watching that werewolf TikTok story give you ideas? Excellent [insert Mr. Burns HERE]

Now, I can’t promise that the unicorn won’t run off, find a stallion, and settle down somewhere you can’t reach it. But that’s okay. That’s when you start training the gryphon you have in your stable for just such an event.

What all this equineness boils down to is this: You know this unicorn. You’ve been through the trenches together. You’ve had your ups and downs, but there’s a good mutual respect and you can let it have a little slack, as a treat.

You’re doing okay. You’re getting those words down, and things are going to be okay.

Now, don’t you have a unicorn to work with?