dragonjournal | Having a hard time

I know I only post when I'm emo, but... really, if you want happy, look on my Instagram. That's happy stuff.

I'm having a very hard time just functioning today. Some of it is that I went to the zoo with Sam and AJ yesterday and man, that was a mistake. Not only did I spend money I didn't have, but omg my legs are in pain. I walked over 11000 steps yesterday and I'm ded. Then I went to the gym this morning and just wanted to cry while I was on the bike, because ow. After that, I went and got my oil changed in my car.

But, here's the thing. I'm having a hard time with money. I'm always short, always running low and unable to save any. At all.

I mean, my bills are all paid, and stuff, so that's okay, but like anything else? I'm outta money. Like, I was paid on Friday, today I have about $50 to see me through two weeks. Yes, I have all the groceries and stuff I need for those two weeks, but I should have more than that! I make over $2k a month!

And just, I want it to be better. But I can't figure it out. I don't know where I'm going wrong. Sigh.

I write out a budget and stick to it, mostly. I just... I don't know.

And then, THEN, I'm so tired today. Like, to the point that I wanna lay down on my desk and just sleep.

Plus, I have things I need to do for AJ, can't afford it. Haven't seen Sage in weeks. Got a phone call from their Father the other day.

I am just emo, I think. Plus, I'm mad that I didn't get anything done this weekend that I wanted to. Like, Scotty's pan was changed, but that's about it. I didn't get laundry done, I didn't get the house vacuumed, I didn't get dishes done, I didn't get any of the mirrors washed, or the back window done.

And, it's like, I want to do these things, on the weekend. Because during the week, I just don't have the energy. I get up, go to the gym, go to work, go home, cook dinner, collapse, rinse repeat the next day.

I want to cross stitch and play video games. That's it. That's what I want to do. I don't mind cleaning, but I need to get it done on the weekend, or it just doesn't get done, which makes more work, and then it just piles up and I don't do shit. And then my house looks like something from Hoarders and I don't know where to start.

And I don't want that to happen here. I don't want it to get so out of control, that I can't function. But like, I need fun too. I need a chance to go to the zoo with Avery - especially because he loves the zoo. Like, you can barely drag him out of the zoo when we go. But I can't go. I can't afford that kind of time spent down there because it wipes me out for a week.

I don't know what to do. There's no amount of caffeine that will actually work on me. Seriously. I don't get wired from caffeine, I get tired. I drink caffeine, lay down, take a nap. And I'm really kinda tired of it? I'd like to be able to be awake.

But like, I feel ignored at work, feel ignored at home (I have no meatspace friends, everyone is on the internetz and I would like a few to hang out with occasionally?) and really feel inadequate. Not the least of which is because I can't make friends. And I can't clean my house. I really feel ignored online and that's no one's fault. It just is.

I guess I'm tired of shouting into the void. I want someone to shout back.

Having a hard time

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