Dragon Journal (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dragonjournal) wrote2019-12-09 02:25 pm
dragonjournal) wrote2019-12-09 02:25 pm
Entry tags:
Journey into... something
This is going to be a post about money. I'm going to cut it, because much like the food post, this is going to end up getting long.
So, not so much ex#1, but ex#2 was financially abusive. He was also a crack addict, so I guess the two went hand in hand.
But, because of him, the minute I get money in my hand, I'm terrified someone is going to take it and thus, I must spend it all. Because that is what he did. Every month, no matter how I hid the money, or tried to pay the bills.
So, we went without things a lot of the time. Gas, electricity, water... Yeah, they were all shut off, quite a few times. Now, I pay my bills first, but, then, anything "left over"? NOPE Gotta spend it!
So, I have zero savings, zero ways to pay for expenses that are surprises, zero ways to go on vacation or even just fuck off to the zoo for the day. Because I'm always so scared that if I don't spend it all, someone's going to take it. Now, I don't have anyone on my account but me. That means it's a bit harder for someone who is not me to get at my money. But still that mentality remains. I can't seem to shake it no matter how much therapy I have.
And really, the therapists I've had haven't been very helpful. "You need to change your thinking." Yes, I realize that, but I'm not sure how. And they never had helpful suggestions.
Now, I'm going to do things my way. I'm going to be chronicling my journey into solvency. I've been poor a very long time and am just getting out of the mindset that you can only pay bills on the 1st, and never any other time during the month. That's been helping, really.
This is going to involve some deeply personal things being put out there, and some uncomfortable money talk. This is going to be me laying bare my money - something I'm not very good at - and that means specific amounts. So, if you're not comfortable with that, please don't think I'll be offended if you just skip these entries.
Let's start with my monthly budget:
Rent: 805
Visa: 25
Visa: 60
Discover: 40
Paypal: 40
Car: 285
Duke: 100
Net: 70
PF: 11
Netflix: 14
Dentist: 49
Apple: 50
Sprint: 189
Aspire: 50
Student Loans: 90
Geico (car insurance): 80
--------
Total: 1956
Now, that's all the outgoing that I have right now. Incoming, I have two income sources. My job, and AJ's SSI.
Starting Jan 1, SSI goes to $783/month. My job, varies. I mean, not much, but sometimes it goes up or down, depending on the OT I work, and the holidays. I volunteered to work Black Friday and then again on New Years. But, I make around $1100 every other week. That means, that take home, between the two is about $3k per month. That's more than survivable, even though I'm used to food stamps and paying $0 cash for food. So, here's some money saving strategies that I'm going to be trying in the next few weeks to see if they can help.
Meal planning: Yep, what's good for the waistline is good for the budget. If I can get in the habit of cooking more on the weekends and meal prepping, then I won't be as tempted to order out/stop for fast food. And I won't buy food at work.
Turn down the heat: I've... spoiled myself. Time to turn the heat down into the 60s, and stop having it up in the 70s.
No more online shopping: This. This is my Achilles heel. Shopping online is so damned easy and it isn't anxiety inducing, and I can just chill in my jammies and shop for everything, including groceries! But, I'm going to try limiting myself to one website per pay. That'll let me start getting stuff, but also will calm my need to spend everything at once. Like, I was going to spend money at OldNavy and Amazon next pay. Because I am converted to the cult of OldNavy pants. I am I am. But, do I really need three pairs of new jeans and a pair of pajama pants, just to use a $50 off coupon? No, no I do not. So, instead, I'm just getting a bookcase from Amazon. Because that is definitely needed.
Credit Cards: So easy to get, so hard to not use. So, I'm going to be slowly paying off a few credit cards, and trying not to use them, so that I can pay them off. Then, I'll have them for emergencies, which is what I need them for anyway. If you look above, I have... six holy shit.
I have like four payments left on the Dentist bill. That'll be a nice $50/month to put toward other credit cards. Honestly, first will be the Visa with a $25 payment. If I can pay that off, I can tackle others. Because that credit limit is low. It's only $500. So I'm going to tackle that one first. And then, move on from there, and it'll completely depend on who has the lowest balance at that point. Because the faster I can pay them off, the better.
I don't have a lot of wiggle room in my budget, as you can see. At least not with credit cards hanging over me. I really need to pay them off. And my plan is above.
So, other things I need to do....
Shop sales: Watch things online for unbelievable sales. We're heading into the first of the year, and that means a lot of things are going on sale. I'm hoping that some of them are things I need.
Need vs Want: Okay, there are a few things on my lists that are not strictly "needed" at this point. I acknowledge that, and realize, I need to stop buying them. Like, do I need an egg cooker? No. No I don't. Do I need a new charger for my PS4 controllers? Nope. Do we need new beds, and matresses? Yes, absolutely. Meaning, I need to save money and buy them. So, that's going to be #1 on the agenda for savings.
So, breaking things down. So, I pay some bills out of each paycheck. Meaning, each pay, I guesstimate how much I'll have, and then figure out which bills come out of this paycheck.
Next pay (Friday 12/13/2019):
Aspire: 58
Geico: 80
PF: 11
Dentist: 70
Sprint: 220
Duke: 92
Apple: 50
Ticket: 68
Disney: 8
--------
657
So, let me break this down. Aspire: Credit card; Geico: car insurance; PF: the gym (a "luxury" perhaps, but like, I go every morning before work); Dentist: dentist bill; Sprint: phone (this is actually behind, hence being more than what I budgeted above); Duke: power/gas; Apple: credit card; Ticket: Ooooh this is a long story, but let's just put it as, this is a one time expense; Disney: disneyplus (another "luxury", but like, I'm laying here, watching Tangled).
These all come out of this paycheck. That's going to leave me a little over $400 to buy gas, groceries, my bookcase, and survive for two weeks. That's not hard, but not immediately spending all of it, will ramp up my anxiety, because my brain is dumb.
So, if I can hold to paying my bills this way - and so far I have - then, I can start working out on savings. Now, you'll notice in the above budget, the dentist is $70 not $49. The reason being, I want that bastard paid off. I need it to go away. And the only way to do that is to pay extra each month. There's only $201.85 left to pay off. If I'm careful, I can have that paid off by February. And then roll the money onto the credit card. Or at least some of it. I should be able to do that, just make it an extra bill, ya know?
Once that's gone, I'll reassess money, and see where it goes. I'm already doing better on the whole 'eating out' thing. So, Wednesday, my plan is to cook a lot, so we have prepared food, because let's be real, that's the convenience of fast food.
But, we'll have to see how things go, the next couple of paychecks. I want to do this. For myself, for my vacations, for my son.
Okay, also, I do want to state, I have over $2k in my 401k for retirement. Now, I don't believe I'll ever retire, but... we'll see what happens.
So, not so much ex#1, but ex#2 was financially abusive. He was also a crack addict, so I guess the two went hand in hand.
But, because of him, the minute I get money in my hand, I'm terrified someone is going to take it and thus, I must spend it all. Because that is what he did. Every month, no matter how I hid the money, or tried to pay the bills.
So, we went without things a lot of the time. Gas, electricity, water... Yeah, they were all shut off, quite a few times. Now, I pay my bills first, but, then, anything "left over"? NOPE Gotta spend it!
So, I have zero savings, zero ways to pay for expenses that are surprises, zero ways to go on vacation or even just fuck off to the zoo for the day. Because I'm always so scared that if I don't spend it all, someone's going to take it. Now, I don't have anyone on my account but me. That means it's a bit harder for someone who is not me to get at my money. But still that mentality remains. I can't seem to shake it no matter how much therapy I have.
And really, the therapists I've had haven't been very helpful. "You need to change your thinking." Yes, I realize that, but I'm not sure how. And they never had helpful suggestions.
Now, I'm going to do things my way. I'm going to be chronicling my journey into solvency. I've been poor a very long time and am just getting out of the mindset that you can only pay bills on the 1st, and never any other time during the month. That's been helping, really.
This is going to involve some deeply personal things being put out there, and some uncomfortable money talk. This is going to be me laying bare my money - something I'm not very good at - and that means specific amounts. So, if you're not comfortable with that, please don't think I'll be offended if you just skip these entries.
Let's start with my monthly budget:
Rent: 805
Visa: 25
Visa: 60
Discover: 40
Paypal: 40
Car: 285
Duke: 100
Net: 70
PF: 11
Netflix: 14
Dentist: 49
Apple: 50
Sprint: 189
Aspire: 50
Student Loans: 90
Geico (car insurance): 80
--------
Total: 1956
Now, that's all the outgoing that I have right now. Incoming, I have two income sources. My job, and AJ's SSI.
Starting Jan 1, SSI goes to $783/month. My job, varies. I mean, not much, but sometimes it goes up or down, depending on the OT I work, and the holidays. I volunteered to work Black Friday and then again on New Years. But, I make around $1100 every other week. That means, that take home, between the two is about $3k per month. That's more than survivable, even though I'm used to food stamps and paying $0 cash for food. So, here's some money saving strategies that I'm going to be trying in the next few weeks to see if they can help.
Meal planning: Yep, what's good for the waistline is good for the budget. If I can get in the habit of cooking more on the weekends and meal prepping, then I won't be as tempted to order out/stop for fast food. And I won't buy food at work.
Turn down the heat: I've... spoiled myself. Time to turn the heat down into the 60s, and stop having it up in the 70s.
No more online shopping: This. This is my Achilles heel. Shopping online is so damned easy and it isn't anxiety inducing, and I can just chill in my jammies and shop for everything, including groceries! But, I'm going to try limiting myself to one website per pay. That'll let me start getting stuff, but also will calm my need to spend everything at once. Like, I was going to spend money at OldNavy and Amazon next pay. Because I am converted to the cult of OldNavy pants. I am I am. But, do I really need three pairs of new jeans and a pair of pajama pants, just to use a $50 off coupon? No, no I do not. So, instead, I'm just getting a bookcase from Amazon. Because that is definitely needed.
Credit Cards: So easy to get, so hard to not use. So, I'm going to be slowly paying off a few credit cards, and trying not to use them, so that I can pay them off. Then, I'll have them for emergencies, which is what I need them for anyway. If you look above, I have... six holy shit.
I have like four payments left on the Dentist bill. That'll be a nice $50/month to put toward other credit cards. Honestly, first will be the Visa with a $25 payment. If I can pay that off, I can tackle others. Because that credit limit is low. It's only $500. So I'm going to tackle that one first. And then, move on from there, and it'll completely depend on who has the lowest balance at that point. Because the faster I can pay them off, the better.
I don't have a lot of wiggle room in my budget, as you can see. At least not with credit cards hanging over me. I really need to pay them off. And my plan is above.
So, other things I need to do....
Shop sales: Watch things online for unbelievable sales. We're heading into the first of the year, and that means a lot of things are going on sale. I'm hoping that some of them are things I need.
Need vs Want: Okay, there are a few things on my lists that are not strictly "needed" at this point. I acknowledge that, and realize, I need to stop buying them. Like, do I need an egg cooker? No. No I don't. Do I need a new charger for my PS4 controllers? Nope. Do we need new beds, and matresses? Yes, absolutely. Meaning, I need to save money and buy them. So, that's going to be #1 on the agenda for savings.
So, breaking things down. So, I pay some bills out of each paycheck. Meaning, each pay, I guesstimate how much I'll have, and then figure out which bills come out of this paycheck.
Next pay (Friday 12/13/2019):
Aspire: 58
Geico: 80
PF: 11
Dentist: 70
Sprint: 220
Duke: 92
Apple: 50
Ticket: 68
Disney: 8
--------
657
So, let me break this down. Aspire: Credit card; Geico: car insurance; PF: the gym (a "luxury" perhaps, but like, I go every morning before work); Dentist: dentist bill; Sprint: phone (this is actually behind, hence being more than what I budgeted above); Duke: power/gas; Apple: credit card; Ticket: Ooooh this is a long story, but let's just put it as, this is a one time expense; Disney: disneyplus (another "luxury", but like, I'm laying here, watching Tangled).
These all come out of this paycheck. That's going to leave me a little over $400 to buy gas, groceries, my bookcase, and survive for two weeks. That's not hard, but not immediately spending all of it, will ramp up my anxiety, because my brain is dumb.
So, if I can hold to paying my bills this way - and so far I have - then, I can start working out on savings. Now, you'll notice in the above budget, the dentist is $70 not $49. The reason being, I want that bastard paid off. I need it to go away. And the only way to do that is to pay extra each month. There's only $201.85 left to pay off. If I'm careful, I can have that paid off by February. And then roll the money onto the credit card. Or at least some of it. I should be able to do that, just make it an extra bill, ya know?
Once that's gone, I'll reassess money, and see where it goes. I'm already doing better on the whole 'eating out' thing. So, Wednesday, my plan is to cook a lot, so we have prepared food, because let's be real, that's the convenience of fast food.
But, we'll have to see how things go, the next couple of paychecks. I want to do this. For myself, for my vacations, for my son.
Okay, also, I do want to state, I have over $2k in my 401k for retirement. Now, I don't believe I'll ever retire, but... we'll see what happens.