Dragon Journal (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dragonjournal) wrote2019-06-16 08:05 pm
dragonjournal) wrote2019-06-16 08:05 pm
Mental Health
I'm talking about this, because my mother said something to me that made my blood boil. "If you can't do it without medication, you're a failure."
EXCUSE ME?! But who the fuck are you to decide that I'm a failure because I take medication to even out the brain meats. Let me explain a few things:
- My medication meant that I could, at 37, go back to school and get a degree. I worked hard for that degree, but let me tell you, if the medication hadn't been there? I sure as fuck would not have been.
- My medication means that I can move. I take pain medication - gabapentin and ibuprofen - to make sure that my joints and my nerves aren't trying to kill me on a regular basis. And when I don't take them for a couple of days? I can certainly tell the difference.
- My medication means that I'm a better parent. I can do things with my son and for my son that I couldn't before because my brain was a bastard and telling me all the wrong things. The medication helps me shut up the part of my brain that tells me I'm a horrible fuckup of a parent.
She also recently told me to stop taking my medication because obviously, I don't need it anymore because I'm no longer in school and therefor "most of your problems are solved, right?"
... That's not how this works. Medication, just like a hammer, is a tool. It helps, but is not the complete solution. I had years of therapy to discuss how to deal with my issues. They are still not gone, but I can deal with them on my own for the most part. This is why I don't go to therapy any longer.
One of the things I have to deal with, on a daily basis - because it never really goes away - is how both my husbands sexually assaulted me.
Bob, ex #1, told me that if I didn't have sex with him, he would leave me alone and take my children away from me. Well, I had sex with him (he wasn't very good at it) and he left anyway. He also used to whine at me until I had sex with him. Sexual coercion is a Thing, and people need to realize that. He also, once, held me down and had sex with me. This is Rape. I didn't realize it at the time, and it is the reason I still flinch at some physical affection.
Aaron, ex #2, was a crack addict. Might still be for all I know? But I had to have sex with him to keep the money in the house, for bills. I still have the mentality of "spend it all before he gets a hold of it". We've been divorced for almost fifteen years and I can't get out of that mindset. This kind of economic rape - because that's what it is - happens a lot more than people think.
Both were abusive in different ways, but they have left scars on my psyche that the medication helps. It doesn't heal it - not sure it'll ever be healed - but it helps ease it.
So, my dear mother, no. I will not be giving up my medications. I will not stop taking them. I don't care if you're uncomfortable with the thought that I take... 9 medications every night, and 10 on Sundays. (Literally. One medication is once a week.) I don't like the medications. I hate having to take all of them. But, I do because I don't like the me that is off the medication.
I get that not everyone understands all my Issues. No one is in my head but me. I get that from the outside, it may look like I just take a pill to solve everything*. But, those medications mean I have a life again. Those medications represent me saying "I need help" and someone actually listening. Because for a long time, they didn't. I needed help, and no one was there.
Now, I have learned to cope on my own. Soemtimes to the frustrations of people in my life who keep telling me "You don't have to do this alone!" Which, no, I don't. But if you reach out and continually get slapped away, you learn to do on your own or without. I learned to do without.
Medication is sometimes needed. Stop the stigma, and stop judging people for it.
*My mother's words, if you were wondering
EXCUSE ME?! But who the fuck are you to decide that I'm a failure because I take medication to even out the brain meats. Let me explain a few things:
- My medication meant that I could, at 37, go back to school and get a degree. I worked hard for that degree, but let me tell you, if the medication hadn't been there? I sure as fuck would not have been.
- My medication means that I can move. I take pain medication - gabapentin and ibuprofen - to make sure that my joints and my nerves aren't trying to kill me on a regular basis. And when I don't take them for a couple of days? I can certainly tell the difference.
- My medication means that I'm a better parent. I can do things with my son and for my son that I couldn't before because my brain was a bastard and telling me all the wrong things. The medication helps me shut up the part of my brain that tells me I'm a horrible fuckup of a parent.
She also recently told me to stop taking my medication because obviously, I don't need it anymore because I'm no longer in school and therefor "most of your problems are solved, right?"
... That's not how this works. Medication, just like a hammer, is a tool. It helps, but is not the complete solution. I had years of therapy to discuss how to deal with my issues. They are still not gone, but I can deal with them on my own for the most part. This is why I don't go to therapy any longer.
One of the things I have to deal with, on a daily basis - because it never really goes away - is how both my husbands sexually assaulted me.
Bob, ex #1, told me that if I didn't have sex with him, he would leave me alone and take my children away from me. Well, I had sex with him (he wasn't very good at it) and he left anyway. He also used to whine at me until I had sex with him. Sexual coercion is a Thing, and people need to realize that. He also, once, held me down and had sex with me. This is Rape. I didn't realize it at the time, and it is the reason I still flinch at some physical affection.
Aaron, ex #2, was a crack addict. Might still be for all I know? But I had to have sex with him to keep the money in the house, for bills. I still have the mentality of "spend it all before he gets a hold of it". We've been divorced for almost fifteen years and I can't get out of that mindset. This kind of economic rape - because that's what it is - happens a lot more than people think.
Both were abusive in different ways, but they have left scars on my psyche that the medication helps. It doesn't heal it - not sure it'll ever be healed - but it helps ease it.
So, my dear mother, no. I will not be giving up my medications. I will not stop taking them. I don't care if you're uncomfortable with the thought that I take... 9 medications every night, and 10 on Sundays. (Literally. One medication is once a week.) I don't like the medications. I hate having to take all of them. But, I do because I don't like the me that is off the medication.
I get that not everyone understands all my Issues. No one is in my head but me. I get that from the outside, it may look like I just take a pill to solve everything*. But, those medications mean I have a life again. Those medications represent me saying "I need help" and someone actually listening. Because for a long time, they didn't. I needed help, and no one was there.
Now, I have learned to cope on my own. Soemtimes to the frustrations of people in my life who keep telling me "You don't have to do this alone!" Which, no, I don't. But if you reach out and continually get slapped away, you learn to do on your own or without. I learned to do without.
Medication is sometimes needed. Stop the stigma, and stop judging people for it.
*My mother's words, if you were wondering