Dragon Journal (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dragonjournal) wrote2019-03-17 06:00 pm
dragonjournal) wrote2019-03-17 06:00 pm
CW: Mental Health ramblings in here
So, I think things at work are getting to me. I've worked 50 hour weeks, the last two weeks, and this week looks to be a 48 hour week. Meaning, all day, every day, I will be at work at least nine hours, if not more. Monday I work 9.30-8. That's ridiculous. Luckily, Sam can come up to take care of AJ for the evening.
But, this is about my mental health.
See, recently, I went to the doctor. I weighed in at 308lbs. And it hit me. I'm 41 years old, over 300lbs and will never date again. I'm going to be 42 this year. I'm not getting younger. I'm not getting lighter, despite changing how I eat. And the chats at work lately have all been about dating and joining gyms, and everything, and I just am not that type of person. I mean, I want to join a gym and workout. I just don't know when I would have time. I would have time were we not working so much overtime. But we are, and I just don't have time. I don't have the energy either.
I just want to not be so lonely. And the fat girl never gets the guy. Not the good guy, anyway. Sure, they get the fat abusive asshole, but not the guy who gives a damn. No, they're reserved for the chick who doesn't have a disabled son and the inability to lose weight. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love AJ. I do. I wouldn't give him up for anyone. I wouldn't put him to the side. He's my son and I love him more than anyone else. But, I have to take him on dates with me. And that's not... it's not conducive to starting a relationship. And that means no one wants to be with me. And normally, that's okay. Normally, I can power through and be "okay" and not want to just curl up and cry.
But lately, hearing about people getting married, or dating, or being able to go do things just makes me realize that my entire life is loneliness. I don't have anyone to curl up with and just be held. There's no other adult here who can take some of the pressure off, or reassure me that I'm not completely screwing everything up. I can't adult all the time. I just can't. I need "time off". I need time to goof around. I need time to do things that are calming to me. And I don't have that time right now.
But, I don't even have time to do anything to improve. And nothing I do have time to do happens, because I just want to sleep when I get home from work.
Like, Friday, I wondered what would happen if I just turned my car into oncoming traffic. Now, keep in mind, I do not normally idealize like that. But again, I know some people love me but it's not the same thing.
But, this is about my mental health.
See, recently, I went to the doctor. I weighed in at 308lbs. And it hit me. I'm 41 years old, over 300lbs and will never date again. I'm going to be 42 this year. I'm not getting younger. I'm not getting lighter, despite changing how I eat. And the chats at work lately have all been about dating and joining gyms, and everything, and I just am not that type of person. I mean, I want to join a gym and workout. I just don't know when I would have time. I would have time were we not working so much overtime. But we are, and I just don't have time. I don't have the energy either.
I just want to not be so lonely. And the fat girl never gets the guy. Not the good guy, anyway. Sure, they get the fat abusive asshole, but not the guy who gives a damn. No, they're reserved for the chick who doesn't have a disabled son and the inability to lose weight. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love AJ. I do. I wouldn't give him up for anyone. I wouldn't put him to the side. He's my son and I love him more than anyone else. But, I have to take him on dates with me. And that's not... it's not conducive to starting a relationship. And that means no one wants to be with me. And normally, that's okay. Normally, I can power through and be "okay" and not want to just curl up and cry.
But lately, hearing about people getting married, or dating, or being able to go do things just makes me realize that my entire life is loneliness. I don't have anyone to curl up with and just be held. There's no other adult here who can take some of the pressure off, or reassure me that I'm not completely screwing everything up. I can't adult all the time. I just can't. I need "time off". I need time to goof around. I need time to do things that are calming to me. And I don't have that time right now.
But, I don't even have time to do anything to improve. And nothing I do have time to do happens, because I just want to sleep when I get home from work.
Like, Friday, I wondered what would happen if I just turned my car into oncoming traffic. Now, keep in mind, I do not normally idealize like that. But again, I know some people love me but it's not the same thing.